“The 20s are the age group that you really get to make mistakes, lose money , make money and discover YOU!” They say. Well that sounds so easy! Let’s say I agree, but , add life to that equation! It doesn’t sound so glamorous then! I looked down at my growing belly unexpectedly preparing for another person to raise with my childhood lover! I had just been officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. So my sense of self was a bit shattered. Are you telling me this 20 something selfish bratty girl, is going to be concerned about someone else more than herself at some point?? “Where’ did my days of no care in the world go? How will I still be me? ”
In actuality, I was asking the wrong questions! “Same me” linked to my new life? Doesn’t even sound right! Right? (It was the only way the double entendres could work!)
The question I should’ve been asking was, “who am I becoming? What am I now called to do and who am I called to be?”
Self identity. A stronger term, “Self identifying”. It’s so bold, liberating, but still humble, most of all it’s homage to process.
You hear that word and eat it up so fast because it’s used everyday, served and spoken of so commonly. Everyone says it’s happening at every second of life. We devour its very presence.So hey! Let’s throw around “process”. Right? No.
(I switched it this time!) It should all be handled with care, honor, and a bad ass mentality that leads to self identification! It should be taken in like a 5 course meal. Slowly, surely, and with great admiration.
I didn’t realize at the time during morning sickness, bed rest, dependency on family, and even my own mind soul and physical therapy was all apart of the huge “life class” of self identifying 101. I heard people say, “it’s all a process!”. I still didn’t get it! Until one day I mentally yelled, “enough already! When will you realize that who you are comes with time?” I had been over tired and frustrated trying to nurse, sleep train, and missing my social life! I went through a depression because I was losing me. The pressure I placed to have it “figured out”. To try to plan out every awakened moment was self- sabotage! Not self identification.My sense of strength. My sense of ME was wrapped up in my questions and quarrels.
See, i couldn’t control life. But I could learn what to do with it. it’s not something you “get”. It’s something you “grow” into. It never stops. It’s always changing. And while you think you’ve got the “lesson”, and you’ve pin pointed the face of “who you are “. It double backs and shows up as a new “beat” Fenty face that you deconstruct and appreciate for its beauty! Through trials and triumphs I’ve been able to renew my definition of ME. I realize each day I build on foundation of my past, current and future! Essentially reinventing, rediscovering and redefining self. So I accept myself, in the face of Motherhood, or being a lover, a friend, or a newly diagnosed person, or a bad ass 20 something that’s building a business, my soul is always coming to terms with the process of life. I’ll just keep going and use the equation of life to make self identifying an art form that gains value with time!
How can you “show up” in the world? How can self- identification be embraced in your life? What process are you going through? Whatever it is remember self identifying takes it time and embraces the small wins! Be kind to you and know it’s good enough!